Understanding and Healing Shame: A Guide for Parents and Individuals

Shame is a heavy emotion that can deeply impact how we see ourselves and how we relate to others. Whether you're a parent trying to help your child navigate feelings of shame or someone on a personal journey of healing, understanding how shame works and how to overcome it is essential for emotional well-being. Based on the work of trauma expert Janina Fisher, this post will explore practical, effective ways to recognize and manage shame, so you and your loved ones can lead healthier, more confident lives.

What Is Shame, and How Does It Affect Us?

Shame tells us that something is wrong with who we are, not just with what we've done. It’s that inner voice that says, “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t belong,” or “I’m a failure.” Unlike guilt, which focuses on actions ("I did something bad"), shame attacks our sense of self ("I am bad"). It can come from childhood experiences, trauma, or societal pressures, and it’s often reinforced by criticism, rejection, or unrealistic expectations.

Shame is not just a mental experience—it’s something we feel in our bodies. For example, when we’re ashamed, we might want to shrink, avoid eye contact, or hide. This physical response is a key aspect of how shame affects us, which is why healing needs to involve both the mind and body.

Recognizing Shame: Signs to Look Out For

Before we can address shame, we need to understand how it shows up. Here are some signs of shame, especially for parents or individuals trying to recognize it in themselves or others:

• Withdrawal or Isolation: Avoiding social situations or people, often out of fear of being judged or rejected.

• Harsh Self-Criticism: Constantly putting yourself down, feeling like nothing you do is good enough.

• Perfectionism: Striving for unattainable standards to avoid feeling “less than” or “unworthy.”

• Defensiveness or Anger: Reacting strongly to criticism, often as a way to protect yourself from feeling shame.

• Physical Reactions: Feeling tension in your body, slumping your shoulders, or a desire to hide when faced with difficult emotions.

For parents, recognizing these signs in your child can help you support them before shame takes hold. Children might act out or withdraw as a way to cope with shame, so it’s important to see these behaviors as cries for help rather than simply defiance or disobedience.

The Path to Healing Shame

Healing shame involves addressing both the cognitive aspects (how we think about shame) and the somatic aspects (how we experience shame in our bodies). By understanding this mind-body connection, individuals can begin to work through shame on a deeper level, recognizing how it affects both thoughts and physical sensations. This holistic approach allows for a more complete and lasting healing process.

Here’s how you can begin to heal:

Reframe Shame as a Survival Strategy

Shame often develops as a way to protect us, especially in difficult environments. For example, children who grow up in critical or neglectful homes may feel shame as a way to cope. Instead of thinking, “My parents don’t care about me,” they think, “I must be the problem.” This belief helps them manage the emotional pain of neglect.

For parents and individuals, reframing shame as a survival strategy can be incredibly powerful. It helps you understand that shame isn’t a sign of weakness or failure but something that once helped you cope. This shift in perspective is the first step in breaking free from shame’s grip.

Tune Into the Body

Since shame is a body-based emotion, it’s important to notice how it affects you physically. Do you feel tense or small when you’re ashamed? Does your chest tighten, or do you avoid eye contact? Fisher’s approach encourages us to pay attention to these physical responses. By simply noticing how shame shows up in the body, we create space to shift those reactions.

Try this with your child or yourself: Next time shame arises, take a moment to pause. Check in with your body. Are your shoulders hunched? Is your breathing shallow? Once you notice these signs, gently change your posture. Stand tall, breathe deeply, and relax your body. This simple act can begin to disrupt shame’s power.

Practice Compassionate Self-Awareness

Fisher’s work also highlights the importance of self-compassion. Often, we try to push shame away or criticize ourselves for feeling it. Instead, it’s important to bring curiosity and compassion to our shameful feelings. Ask yourself (or your child) questions like:

• “Why do I feel this way?”

• “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

• “Can I be kind to myself in this moment?”

For parents, this is a critical step in supporting children through their shame. Instead of rushing to fix or dismiss their feelings, listen with empathy. Let them know that it’s okay to feel shame and that they are still worthy of love, no matter what.

Shift the Focus Through the Body

Just as shame shows up physically, healing can also come through the body. Fisher’s approach includes helping individuals change their physical stance to interrupt shame. Encourage your child—or yourself—to practice "power poses," such as standing tall with arms open or taking deep breaths to ground and calm the body.

For example, if your child feels ashamed after being reprimanded, you might encourage them to stand up straight, take a few deep breaths, and say something positive about themselves. By practicing these small body-based shifts, you teach them that they can take control of how they feel, even when shame strikes.

Rebuild Confidence with Positive Reinforcement

Shame erodes self-esteem, so it’s important to rebuild a sense of self-worth. For parents, this means celebrating your child’s efforts and encouraging them to take pride in their strengths. Instead of focusing on mistakes, highlight what they did well and remind them that their worth isn’t defined by any single action.

For individuals, practicing positive affirmations and self-praise can help shift the negative narrative of shame. Keep a journal where you write down things you’re proud of or moments where you overcame a challenge. Over time, these small moments of affirmation will help restore a more positive self-image.

Final Thoughts: Moving Beyond Shame

Shame can feel like an insurmountable wall, but with the right tools, it can be managed and eventually overcome. By recognizing that shame is not a reflection of who we are but rather a response to past experiences, we can begin to loosen its grip on our lives. Whether you’re a parent helping your child navigate feelings of shame or someone trying to heal from your own experiences, the key is to approach yourself with compassion, patience, and a willingness to heal both mind and body.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Shame may tell you otherwise, but you are always worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging. Schedule an appointment with me today to assist you or a loved one trying to work through and process shame.