Understanding and Healing Shame: A Guide for Parents and Individuals

Shame is a heavy emotion that can deeply impact how we see ourselves and how we relate to others. Whether you're a parent trying to help your child navigate feelings of shame or someone on a personal journey of healing, understanding how shame works and how to overcome it is essential for emotional well-being. Based on the work of trauma expert Janina Fisher, this post will explore practical, effective ways to recognize and manage shame, so you and your loved ones can lead healthier, more confident lives.

What Is Shame, and How Does It Affect Us?

Shame tells us that something is wrong with who we are, not just with what we've done. It’s that inner voice that says, “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t belong,” or “I’m a failure.” Unlike guilt, which focuses on actions ("I did something bad"), shame attacks our sense of self ("I am bad"). It can come from childhood experiences, trauma, or societal pressures, and it’s often reinforced by criticism, rejection, or unrealistic expectations.

Shame is not just a mental experience—it’s something we feel in our bodies. For example, when we’re ashamed, we might want to shrink, avoid eye contact, or hide. This physical response is a key aspect of how shame affects us, which is why healing needs to involve both the mind and body.

Recognizing Shame: Signs to Look Out For

Before we can address shame, we need to understand how it shows up. Here are some signs of shame, especially for parents or individuals trying to recognize it in themselves or others:

• Withdrawal or Isolation: Avoiding social situations or people, often out of fear of being judged or rejected.

• Harsh Self-Criticism: Constantly putting yourself down, feeling like nothing you do is good enough.

• Perfectionism: Striving for unattainable standards to avoid feeling “less than” or “unworthy.”

• Defensiveness or Anger: Reacting strongly to criticism, often as a way to protect yourself from feeling shame.

• Physical Reactions: Feeling tension in your body, slumping your shoulders, or a desire to hide when faced with difficult emotions.

For parents, recognizing these signs in your child can help you support them before shame takes hold. Children might act out or withdraw as a way to cope with shame, so it’s important to see these behaviors as cries for help rather than simply defiance or disobedience.

The Path to Healing Shame

Healing shame involves addressing both the cognitive aspects (how we think about shame) and the somatic aspects (how we experience shame in our bodies). By understanding this mind-body connection, individuals can begin to work through shame on a deeper level, recognizing how it affects both thoughts and physical sensations. This holistic approach allows for a more complete and lasting healing process.

Here’s how you can begin to heal:

Reframe Shame as a Survival Strategy

Shame often develops as a way to protect us, especially in difficult environments. For example, children who grow up in critical or neglectful homes may feel shame as a way to cope. Instead of thinking, “My parents don’t care about me,” they think, “I must be the problem.” This belief helps them manage the emotional pain of neglect.

For parents and individuals, reframing shame as a survival strategy can be incredibly powerful. It helps you understand that shame isn’t a sign of weakness or failure but something that once helped you cope. This shift in perspective is the first step in breaking free from shame’s grip.

Tune Into the Body

Since shame is a body-based emotion, it’s important to notice how it affects you physically. Do you feel tense or small when you’re ashamed? Does your chest tighten, or do you avoid eye contact? Fisher’s approach encourages us to pay attention to these physical responses. By simply noticing how shame shows up in the body, we create space to shift those reactions.

Try this with your child or yourself: Next time shame arises, take a moment to pause. Check in with your body. Are your shoulders hunched? Is your breathing shallow? Once you notice these signs, gently change your posture. Stand tall, breathe deeply, and relax your body. This simple act can begin to disrupt shame’s power.

Practice Compassionate Self-Awareness

Fisher’s work also highlights the importance of self-compassion. Often, we try to push shame away or criticize ourselves for feeling it. Instead, it’s important to bring curiosity and compassion to our shameful feelings. Ask yourself (or your child) questions like:

• “Why do I feel this way?”

• “What is this emotion trying to tell me?”

• “Can I be kind to myself in this moment?”

For parents, this is a critical step in supporting children through their shame. Instead of rushing to fix or dismiss their feelings, listen with empathy. Let them know that it’s okay to feel shame and that they are still worthy of love, no matter what.

Shift the Focus Through the Body

Just as shame shows up physically, healing can also come through the body. Fisher’s approach includes helping individuals change their physical stance to interrupt shame. Encourage your child—or yourself—to practice "power poses," such as standing tall with arms open or taking deep breaths to ground and calm the body.

For example, if your child feels ashamed after being reprimanded, you might encourage them to stand up straight, take a few deep breaths, and say something positive about themselves. By practicing these small body-based shifts, you teach them that they can take control of how they feel, even when shame strikes.

Rebuild Confidence with Positive Reinforcement

Shame erodes self-esteem, so it’s important to rebuild a sense of self-worth. For parents, this means celebrating your child’s efforts and encouraging them to take pride in their strengths. Instead of focusing on mistakes, highlight what they did well and remind them that their worth isn’t defined by any single action.

For individuals, practicing positive affirmations and self-praise can help shift the negative narrative of shame. Keep a journal where you write down things you’re proud of or moments where you overcame a challenge. Over time, these small moments of affirmation will help restore a more positive self-image.

Final Thoughts: Moving Beyond Shame

Shame can feel like an insurmountable wall, but with the right tools, it can be managed and eventually overcome. By recognizing that shame is not a reflection of who we are but rather a response to past experiences, we can begin to loosen its grip on our lives. Whether you’re a parent helping your child navigate feelings of shame or someone trying to heal from your own experiences, the key is to approach yourself with compassion, patience, and a willingness to heal both mind and body.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Shame may tell you otherwise, but you are always worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging. Schedule an appointment with me today to assist you or a loved one trying to work through and process shame.

How to Let Go of Resentment: A Step-by-Step Guide for Inner Peace

Resentment is a heavy burden. It can build over time and quietly damage relationships, mental health, and overall well-being. Whether it stems from a long-term issue or a recent incident, holding onto resentment keeps you stuck in the past. Learning to let go of it is essential for personal growth and emotional freedom. This guide will walk you through practical steps to release resentment and reclaim peace of mind.

What Is Resentment?

Resentment is the lingering feeling of anger or bitterness toward someone or something that has wronged you. These feelings often stem from unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, or perceived injustices. Over time, resentment can poison relationships and prevent healing.

Why Letting Go of Resentment Matters

Carrying resentment affects not only your emotional well-being but also your physical health. Chronic resentment can contribute to anxiety, depression, and stress. Studies show that long-term bitterness may even weaken your immune system. By letting go, you are not excusing the hurt, but freeing yourself from the grip of negative emotions.

Acknowledge Your Resentment

The first step in letting go is recognizing that you are holding onto resentment. Ask yourself:

• Who am I angry at?

• What exactly do I feel they’ve done wrong?

Identifying the root of your resentment allows you to address it in a healthy way. Journaling can help you dig deeper into your emotions and clarify what is fueling the bitterness.

Shift Your Perspective

Resentment often thrives because we are stuck in one perspective: ours. Try to see the situation from a different angle. Was the person truly malicious, or were they acting out of their own pain or ignorance?

While this doesn’t justify hurtful actions, understanding that people are complex and fallible can soften your anger. Compassion opens the door to forgiveness.

Practice Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment, but it doesn’t mean you have to forget or condone what happened. It means releasing the emotional grip the event has on you. To start, reflect on what forgiveness would look like for you. Can you create space for healing without needing an apology?

By forgiving, you’re not letting the other person off the hook—you’re freeing yourself from emotional suffering.

Focus on What You Can Control

One of the main reasons resentment lingers is that we often try to change the past or control how others act. Realizing that you can’t control others but can change your response is key to emotional freedom. Redirect your energy into your own healing and growth.

Cultivate Gratitude

Gratitude and resentment cannot coexist. Shifting your focus toward what you are thankful for in your life can dissolve negative emotions. Create a daily gratitude practice by writing down three things you’re thankful for, no matter how small. This practice re-trains your brain to focus on positive experiences and helps you see beyond the hurt.

Set Healthy Boundaries

In some cases, you may need to distance yourself from the person or situation that triggered your resentment. Establishing clear boundaries protects your mental health and prevents further emotional harm. Communicate your limits assertively but with kindness, ensuring your well-being comes first.

Seek Support

Letting go of resentment is not always easy, and it’s okay to seek help. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. They can offer a fresh perspective and provide emotional support as you work through your feelings.

If resentment is deeply ingrained, professional help may be needed to untangle the emotions and memories tied to it. Therapy offers a safe space to explore the roots of your resentment and develop coping strategies.

Focus on Self-Care

Resentment drains your emotional energy. Prioritize self-care by engaging in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and comfort. Whether it’s exercise, meditation, or spending time with loved ones, self-care helps to replenish your emotional reserves, making it easier to let go of resentment.

Commit to Moving Forward

Letting go is not a one-time event; it’s a daily commitment. Resentment may resurface occasionally, but staying focused on the present and practicing the steps above can help you maintain inner peace. Over time, the weight of resentment will lighten, and you'll feel more empowered.

Letting go of resentment is an act of self-liberation. By acknowledging your feelings, shifting your perspective, and practicing forgiveness, you free yourself from the toxic cycle of anger and bitterness. Remember, letting go is not about excusing hurtful behavior—it’s about reclaiming your emotional well-being and creating space for peace, joy, and growth. Schedule an appointment with me today to assist you or a loved one with helping let go of resentment.

How to Manage Oppositional Behavior in Children and Teens: Effective Strategies for Parents

Oppositional behavior in children and teens can be frustrating and overwhelming for parents. However, understanding the underlying causes and implementing strategies to manage this behavior effectively can make a significant difference. In this blog, we’ll explore what oppositional behavior is, why it occurs, and how parents can navigate these challenging moments to help their children develop healthier ways of coping.

What Is Oppositional Behavior?

Oppositional behavior in children and teens typically involves frequent defiance, argumentative attitudes, and resistance to authority figures, including parents, teachers, and caregivers. This behavior can range from mild to severe and often includes:

• Frequent temper tantrums or angry outbursts

• Refusing to comply with rules or requests

• Arguing with adults or authority figures

• Blaming others for mistakes or misbehavior

• Being easily annoyed or touchy

When these behaviors persist over time and significantly impact a child’s daily functioning at home or school, they may be diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). However, even without a formal diagnosis, oppositional behavior can create stress for the entire family.

Why Do Children and Teens Exhibit Oppositional Behavior?

Oppositional behavior can stem from several factors, including:

Developmental stages: Defiance is a normal part of development, especially during toddler years and adolescence, as children test boundaries and assert independence.

Emotional regulation difficulties: Children who struggle with managing their emotions often react with anger or defiance when they feel overwhelmed or frustrated.

Environmental stressors: Family conflict, academic pressures, or peer issues can exacerbate oppositional behavior.

Underlying conditions: ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, and trauma can contribute to oppositional behavior in some children.

How Parents Can Help Manage Oppositional Behavior

Stay Calm and Consistent

When children act out, it’s easy to get caught up in the emotional intensity of the moment. However, maintaining a calm demeanor is crucial. Yelling or reacting harshly can escalate the situation. Instead, calmly state the consequences of their behavior and follow through consistently. Consistency helps children understand the boundaries and what to expect.

Set Clear Expectations

Clearly define household rules and expectations, and ensure your child understands them. Post a list of rules in a visible place, such as on the refrigerator, to serve as a reminder. This gives your child a reference point and reduces opportunities for argument about what’s expected.

Use Positive Reinforcement

While consequences are important, positive reinforcement can be a powerful tool for encouraging better behavior. Praise your child when they follow rules or handle frustrations calmly. Offering rewards for positive behavior, such as additional screen time or choosing a family activity, can motivate them to continue making positive choices.

Teach Problem-Solving Skills

Children with oppositional behavior often lack the tools to solve problems constructively. Help your child develop these skills by guiding them through challenging situations. Ask questions like, “What do you think will happen if you choose to do that?” or “How could we solve this together?” This approach fosters problem-solving abilities and reduces impulsive reactions.

Practice Emotional Regulation Techniques

Oppositional behavior is often tied to emotional dysregulation. Teaching your child how to manage their emotions through mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, and relaxation techniques can help them stay calm during tense moments. Regular practice of these techniques makes it easier for them to use them in challenging situations.

Work on Communication Skills

Oppositional behavior often arises from misunderstandings or a lack of communication. Encourage open dialogue with your child and help them express their feelings without being confrontational. Active listening and validating their emotions go a long way in reducing conflict.

Seek Professional Support

If oppositional behavior is significantly affecting your family’s well-being or your child’s academic and social life, seeking support from a therapist can be beneficial. Therapists can work with your child on emotional regulation, anger management, and developing problem-solving strategies. Family therapy may also help improve communication and relationships within the family unit.

When to Consider Therapy for Oppositional Behavior

If you’ve tried managing your child’s oppositional behavior at home without success, or if the behavior is escalating, it might be time to consider professional help. A therapist can help identify the underlying causes of the behavior, provide targeted interventions, and work with your family to develop a plan for addressing the issue.

Benefits of Therapy for Oppositional Behavior

Emotional regulation: Children learn how to identify and manage their emotions, reducing the likelihood of outbursts.

Improved family relationships: Therapy fosters better communication and reduces conflict between family members.

Long-term coping skills: Children develop problem-solving and emotional management skills that they can carry into adulthood.

Managing oppositional behavior in children and teens is no easy task, but with the right strategies and support, you can help your child navigate their emotions and develop healthier ways to cope. Remember to stay patient, consistent, and open to seeking professional help if necessary. Parenting through oppositional behavior takes time, but with persistence, your child can learn the tools they need to thrive emotionally and socially. Schedule an appointment with me today to assist with managing oppositional behavior in children and teens.